When a non-resident parent is not paying maintenance towards his or her children it can be very tempting to withhold contact with the child as a means of punishment. Sometimes this non-payment can be justified, for example if a non-resident parent has been made redundant, and in other circumstances there is no good reason for the non-payment.
If a non-resident parent is not paying but still wants to see the children, it can be hard to know what to do. Your feelings of anger may be mixed with the desire of your child to see his or her parent. In legal terms, there’s no ‘right’ to see a child or to withhold contact with a child from a non-resident parent. Parents with care often struggle to understand this. It can certainly seem unfair that a non-resident parent can pay little or no money towards a child’s upkeep, but then is able to take the child abroad on holiday for two weeks, for example.
On other occasions, the CSA may have made a calculation that seems to be far below that which you expected, or seems not to be based on the non-resident’s actual income. However, it is never right to withhold contact, no matter what the situation.
The Child's Best Interests
The courts, social services and other public authorities look at what is in the best interests of the child, rather than one or both parents. If you are withholding contact from a non-resident parent, remember that time spent with a child is not a commodity that can be ‘sold’. It may be the child who will suffer, and they may blame themselves for the non-contact or non-payment. Despite their differences, this is obviously not what either parent wants!

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A contact order is usually made when parents are not able to agree terms upon which a non-resident parent can see his or her child. It essentially means that the parent with care must allow the non-resident parent access to the child, whether that means allowing the child to stay with them, or simply letting the child keep in touch with their non-resident parent by phone or letter. An interim contact order can be made while the final details of the contact order are being arranged.
An order details the type of contact that has been agreed between the parties and can mean a number of different things:
- Direct contact (physical meetings with the parent, who either visits or is allowed to have the child stay with them.)
- Visiting contact (non-resident parent visits the child)
- Staying contact (child allowed to stay with the non-resident parent)
- Defined contact ( the parents agree to specific timetables)
- Supervised contact (access given in a supervised contact centre)
- Indirect contact (no direct contact, but letters, phone calls, emails etc. allowed)
Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.
Breaching the Contact Order
The parent with care sometimes withholds contact that is agreed under the order. Unfortunately, this happens all too often. In these circumstances the parent with care may be brought back to court but it is a sad fact that it can mean extensive legal wrangling and increasing bitterness simply because a non-resident parent wishes to see his or her child.
This has been getting worse over the last 10 months. He seems to find enough money to stay perpetually drunk,l
I have never threatened to take visitation away. I have been "soft" on him. Even his mum says the same. But she's also unwieldingly defensive of his rights to see the children. She will say one minute that she wishes I could just run off and be safe and the next how sad it is that he can't live with them.
Everyone is telling me to say he can't see the kids until he pays. And maybe if I didn't get on great with his family I would have done.
The monthly CSA recommended is £400. The rest he owes me is based on paying back money he borrowed from me after we broke up. If I go through CSA, they'll take £400 and I'll still have to fight for the £160 towards that debt. He's on 25k a year, I'm on benefits. And he drinks so much he had to borrow from me. There was one month he borrowed £300 from me, which he paid back as soon as he was paid and then at the next payment he didn't pay me at all. What the hell am I supposed to do?? I feel like I've just been conned.
In the meantime I was looking for a place I could live and afford. I found myself a studio apartment and here I was able to bring the kids down and have them sleepover on a weekly basis. After awhile the nagging started again and it even got to a point she would refuse the kids coming to the house until I got a house.
In February 2019 she, her partner and 3 of my children moved 26 miles away to a village that has no public transport go to it. They have two cars and I don't drive. She also told me that my contact with the kids won't change and up to now has been every weekend. My eldest child come to live with me as he was attending a college and yes she was still claiming child benefit for him.
In October 2019 another child come to live with me, due to bad behaviour at their house. And here I was able to claim child benefit for both kids, much too her annoyance as she only expected me to claim for one. With now both kids and claim child benefit my search for a better house improved. In July 2020 I moved into a three bedroom house and here she stopped sending me houses to look at.
The two other children have always been coming down weekly, Friday to Sunday one week and Saturday to Sunday the nexted as I worked the Fridays. The lockdowns took a huge effect, but lockdown is over. She told me this year before the school holidays that the two children would be coming fortnightly as she doesn't want to be drive 104 miles on her two days off on the weekend. It was clear that me working the Fridays was the problem.
I was able to get the Fridays off permanently as three staff members asked to swap. I messaged the ex regarding this and she replied by saying the kids will still be coming fortnightly so they can spend time with their friends. I replied back saying I wasn't happy with that.
This Friday 1st October 2021 she dropped the children off as usual and like always her partner comes along. He, yes he then proceeded to give me a gob full saying that I changed my shifts for myself, they both work and his mother is sick, which that one was new to me. Also it will stick to 2 weekly or not at all. Calling me a bad word as he walked away.
Contact is agreed, no mediation or court. But is changing far too often and I feel like I am losing my 15 year old son and 10 year old daughter.
He is now not letting me see her or have her back with me. He has a history of violence towards me which resulted in him getting charged, however this was three years ago, I'm scared to physically go to his house where he lives as he is very intimidating. Can anyone help advise me
I work offshore and you can make arrangements wit CM but they just do what they want I have another family and one on the way.
I am meant to pay £800 a month but they put a deduction order on my wage for £800 and arrears of £200 but they just take what they want I am left with 20% of a weekly wage.
They have threatened me with a custodial sentence if they don’t get there money they are a bunch of crooks. I have now given up my job as there is no point in working to pay CM they also take 24% of the above money before they pay my ex how is this fair. Now they will get nothing go ltd company don’t pay nothing or move to Spain which is in the eu they can’t touch you
He pays for his daughters upkeep and they have gone to court many times, the mother keeps breaking the court rules as he is meant to see his daughter every other weekend, he has not seen her for almost 5 weeks.
He can't speak to her as the mother controls the daughters phone calls and seems to right messages to my friend pretending to be the daughter.
The messages suggest that the daughter does not want to see him, but we don't believe that.
Now the biggest problem because of Covid 19 the mother is making it hard and there is no help available to him to see his daughter.
I am worried for him as he is very upset, depressed and loosing a lot of sleep with this situation.
He has tried to contact police and child services but no one is willing to help.
Is there someone that we can contact to get him to see his daughter as he should, he has done nothing wrong, besides what the mothers deems as wrong and makes his life very hard and miserable.
I feel sorry for my friend as there never seems to be any help for man, we as man also have feelings and to keep our children away from pettiness is a discrase.
We split up 8 years ago because of his drinking and gambling and his emotional abuse towards my son. ( my son ended up with a nervous tick, and was collapsing with anxiety due to his treatment). My ex denied this. What should I do?
Also can he stop maintenance payments if she won’t see him.
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