Child Support vs Contact with the Child

Author: Anna Martin

Maintaining regular contact with a child, after separation or divorce, is an important part of parenting. Not only does it enforce the right of children to have contact with each parent, but it also provides emotional and financial support.

For some parents however, if the breakdown of their relationship is less than amicable regular contact may not be a suitable consideration. In these instances, supporting a child, by paying maintenance towards the costs of their upbringing, is an option that some separated families may have to face.

Eye To Eye Contact

Face-to-face contact between a non resident parent and a child is generally encouraged. This contact supports the child emotionally and physically, as well as contributing financially to the cost of raising the child. Regular contact, whether through shared care, joint custody or an alternative private arrangement between the child’s parents, provides a healthy environment for the child to grow and develop in.

Regular contact however, does not provide as much opportunity to explore parenting as regular overnight stays.

Staying overnight with a non resident parent allows the child to continue to maintain the same level of emotional stability as they may have had before the separation.

From a parent’s perspective overnight stays enable the parent to maintain and support the child’s welfare, and will also reduce the cost of maintenance payments they will be expected to contribute.

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Supporting The Child

Explaining the separation to the child, at the level they will be able to understand, enables the child to cope with the changes more easily. Unless there is a reason why it is unsafe, children should have contact with both parents. Maintaining attachment bonds to a mother and father is an important part of the child’s development, and should therefore be encouraged.

Avoiding parental conflict, particularly in the child’s presence, helps the child settle into the new parenting arrangement. Maintaining good, open communication will also enable the parents to cooperate with childcare arrangements etc. Creating new routines with each parent will also be useful in the child’s emotional development.

Your situation may be slightly different. ask a question below ↓ and our editorial team will reply with our advice.

Financial Responsibilities

A non-resident parent will be expected to financially contribute towards the expense of raising their child. This child support payment, which can be privately agreed or calculated, collected and distributed by the Child Support Agency and Child Maintenance Service can be used to pay for school fees, clothing, food, shelter and extracurricular activities the child may be involved in.

Maintenance payments are periodically paid to the parent with care – whether this is the child’s mother or father – until the child finishes full-time education.

If a non resident parent is also able to provide physical and emotional support, by sharing parenting responsibilities, the cost of maintenance they will be expected to pay will be reduced accordingly. Maintenance payable is calculated after examining the income and living circumstances of both parents.

If a private agreement cannot be made between the parents the parent with care can seek assistance from the the Child Maintenance Options with regards to child support collection through Child Maintenance Service.

The Next Step

Now that you have read through the advice above, you might want to put it into practice. Our Child Support Rights Checker lets you answer a few questions about your situation and get a clear summary of your child maintenance rights and options. Try it now →

42 questions

Ask Child Support Laws a Question

Size 24/12/2023 at 9:31 am

I am seeking a legal advise. I am.a non resident father and have been paying child maintenance through my employer. The other parent are using my children against me making all sort of unfounded allegations to stop me from seeing my children.evwn though there is court order. I have made an enforcement order though court and upon Cafcass investigating, the other parent managed turn the children head buy telling them to they do not want see their father anymore. Since the children say they don't ro talk to me and don't to see me anymore in their life's, why should be made paying children maintenance to child they don't want to communicate with me to meeting me anymore. Any advice to or way to stop payment of maintenance because I have given up on effort to have contact with my children.

Grandee 26/06/2020 at 6:10 pm

My eldest daughter (33) has separated from the father of her 8 month old baby son. He has been rude and verbally abusive to her and is now taking her to court but he is not being honest about his intentions about the baby. He sees the child on Tuesdays. Fridays and Sundays and is now forcing the issue to have him overnight. He has gone as far as telling my daughter that she should be bringing the baby to his family home (where he lives with his parents) because he 'works full time' and it takes a lot of time from the time he spends with the little boy. My daughter organised a mediation but the mediator was frankly totall biased in his favour and encouraged him to go further and take the case to court. Now he is pressurising my daughter about who should care for the child and says the responsiblity shoudl be with his family. We are perfectly willing to help in the care of the little boy but my daughter and our family are ignored and it is obvioulsy his intention to keep us out of the picture so to speak. My daughter is deeply concerned about her son, she has bent over backwards to comply with the father's demands and her only request was that the overnight stays be left until her son has stopped breastfeeding and is about a year old (which the father originally agreed to) and that all decisions made could be reviewed according to the little boys's needs and responses. The father does not honour the arrangements he makes with my daughter and continuously changes his mind accusing her being difficult and uncooperative when nothing could be further form the truth. She is terrified that her child will be taken from her regardless of how she presents her case and has always (written evidence in texts etc available)been compliant in every way to try to maintain a reasonable state of affairs with him but he is not interested in conceding this. Any ocmments please

Nat 22/01/2020 at 6:57 pm

Hello I wondered if you could help. I pay my ex £13,000 per annum towards maintenance . This if far more then what the CSA want me to pay. She is on universal credid and i wondered if she should be declaring this or not. She lives in the most expensive area of london and refuses to move to a cheaper house. Meanwhile im struggling for work and on the verge of homelessness and if i cant keep up the payments she is threatening to move her away and drastically restrict access to her. I feel im being blackmailed to be honest and dont know where I stand legally.
Many thanks,

Nat

Dvs 22/06/2019 at 3:39 pm

Hi,

I want to join discussion group to get more idea.

Concerneddad75 17/06/2019 at 1:51 pm

I am in the process of separation from my wife of 13 years and we have two children aged 9 and 10. We both want to make this whole situation as painless as possible for all parties but mainly for our boys. Until recent revelations of my wife's affairs we were a tight loving family unit and the boys were very happy. However, my wife lost her father a few years ago and she was left with a substantial inheritance which provided her with a large disposal income which has mainly used to finance a heavy drinking, drug taking lifestyle with a whole new circle of like minded individuals! Family and domestic life no longer has any attraction for her and it is against this backdrop where her affairs started. Suffice to say I am extremely uncomfortable with my children being raised amidst this environment and I have good reason to believe my wife's new partner is a known drug dealer in our local area. I really don't want my children around this. As mentioned I didn't ideally want to go through any courts with all the bitterness that this may cause and I'd never want to restrict access for my wife but do I have any options here? Any advice is welcome as I am at my wits end and just don't know what to do for the best?

rea78 08/05/2019 at 1:56 pm

If me and my ex went to mediation and agreed on access, will this be legally binding, as he is saying that the agreement written up there is not a court order and doesnt have to adhered to.
How can i make sure he sticks to the agreement as he always messes the children around

kalbo3553 16/03/2019 at 12:06 pm

I allegedly have 2 children by artificial incemination in Cyprus but my partner was seeing someone now I'm stuck paying for 2 kids that are not mine Cms will not listen I was mentally unstable at the time on antidepressants but had a large amount of money that diapered with my x also my sperm was not used it was still in the sperm bank the papers that were signed allegedly by me witch I cannot remember doing for the insemanation, I have not seen or had contact with these children for 10 years I was found to have a tumour in my brain which shut down my hormones which can be proven back before I met this women who took advantage of a sick old man just wanted the money...

linda 31/12/2018 at 1:28 pm

i would like some advice my sons grandma as got my son i am after getting my son back... i would like some advice on where to start his grand mother will only let me see my son 2 hours a week i am not aloud to take photos of him i am not even aloud to take him out any where i had my son took off me because of my ex partner and i had no say where my son goes please can someone point me in the right direction
thanks

Auntie A 30/12/2018 at 3:12 pm

My nephew lost his sister and mother this year both to suicide. They both had an active role in looking after 2 year old girl, whilst my Nepew worked . The mother of the child is an active drug user and has been to a clinic for help but soon lapsed into using drugs. My nephew is not coping well because he has PTSD and deep depression because of his loss. The social services and police are involved. My worry is how could my nephew afford to give up his job to look after his daughter and keep her safe. He lives rent free at his step fathers. House

Roseta 21/11/2018 at 11:18 am

My husband and I separated 2 months ago. We have been married 10years and have 2 female children 3yrs and 9yrs. He has been verbally, emotionally, and on occasion financially abusive. he physically intimidates me and was physically abusive on one occasion (twisting of my hand during an argument) which led to police involvement. He threatened to make me regret calling the police.
He has since rented a flat nearby and has furnished it very nicely, he took the kids to pick the furniture for their rooms and help him pick dinning sets and sofas and to buy them a pet.

I have been the primary carer, I work 3 days a week and the occasional weekend, I have a childminder to help on the weekdays I go to work, dad looks after them on the weekends I work.
Before separation, he used to get home from work anytime from 7:30pm up to 11pm..on some occasion at midnight. Post separation, he is back from work 6:30pm - 7;pm. He comes to visit the kids as he chooses, no restriction.

I have taken the kids to visit with him at his house but he brought the 3 yr old back after 15mins.The 9 yr old idolises her dad and has indicated she wants to live with him. She is excited by her new pet, dream bed and living in a new house.
Yesterday, he told me that he wants 50:50 custody as well as having physical access to them on the days they are not with him. And he has gotten a mediator to negotiate with me what he wants. He also said he is leaving his job to get one which would give him more time with the children. He has also already hired a childminder for when he will have them 50:50.

I don't mind him having the children 50:50 but when they are a bit older (when the youngest is about 5/6yr). I fear mediation may be a failure. i already feel intimidated and may give in to his demands because I am scared of him even though I feel the chop and change of 50:50 would not give the children stability they need now.
How likely is he to get 50:50? How does a mediator help in this situation with different views?

Roseta 21/11/2018 at 11:13 am

My husband and I separated 2 months ago. We have been married 10years and have 2 female children 3yrs and 9yrs. He has been verbally, emotionally, and on occasion financially abusive. he physically intimidates me and was physically abusive on one occasion (twisting of my hand during an argument) which led to police involvement. He threatened to make me regret calling the police.
He has since rented a flat nearby and has furnished it very nicely, he took the kids to pick the furniture for their rooms and help him pick dinning sets and sofas and to buy them a pet.
I have been the primary carer, I work 3 days a week and the occasional weekend, I have a childminder to help on the weekdays I go to work, dad looks after them on the weekends I work.
Before separation, he used to get home from work anytime from 7:30pm up to 11pm..on some occasion at midnight. Post separation, he is back from work 6:30pm - 7;pm. He comes to visit the kids as he chooses, no restriction. I have taken the kids to visit with him at his house but he brought the 3 yr old back after 15mins.The 9 yr old idolises her dad and has indicated she wants to live with him. She is excited by her new pet, dream bed and living in a new house.
Yesterday, he told me that he wants 50:50 custody as well as having physical access to them on the days they are not with him. And he has gotten a mediator to negotiate with me what he wants.
I don't mind him having the children 50:50 but when they are a bit older (when the youngest is about 5/6yr). I fear mediation may be a failure. i already feel intimidated and may give in to his demands because I am scared of him even though I feel the chop and change of 50:50 would not give the children stability they need now.
How likely is he to get 50:50? How does a mediator help in this situation with different views?

ChildSupportLaws Editor 18/09/2018 at 9:39 am

If there is a contact order in place and your daughter's father does not agree to the changes, then you would have to refer the matter back to court for a variation. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the child in question. The court will always put the child’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order.

Miao 16/09/2018 at 10:07 pm

Hi. I've been divorced for three years and we've tried several methods of custody through the courts. The children now spend their time with me and have long weekends with their father every other weekends. Holidays are shared equally. Throughout, my eldest has been adamant that she doesn't want to live with her father. She's now 14 and starting her GCSE's. Is there anything more I can do to help her? She doesn't feel loved by her father at all as he spends all of his time and money on her younger sibling.

ChildSupportLaws Editor 14/08/2018 at 12:40 pm

If you paid through CSA/CMS, whichshould help further. However, if your child's mother had been accepting child maintenance directly as a family-based child maintenance arrangement then this is a fraudulent and criminal offence. You would need to seek legal advice regarding taking her to court in order to claim the money back.

lee 13/08/2018 at 4:37 pm

What if i have found out that my child was adopted many years ago but i have been paying maintenance even though the child was adopted? how do i go about claiming that money back? i have evidence that my child was adopted back in 2004 so i have been paying maintenance for the last 14 years when i should not of been doing.

ChildSupportLaws Editor 26/06/2018 at 12:36 pm

Much depends upon where you both intend to live post-separation/divorce. If your visa is dependent upon your spouse, or your spouse visa is dependent upon yours, then you would have to let the Home Office know, You would have to decide between you and your husband who will be the primary carer of your child and where you intend to live. You cannot leave the country with your child without your husband's permission and likewise. If you both cannot agree where your child would live, you would have to apply to court to let the court decide. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the child in question. The court will always put the child’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order.

Wyatt 25/06/2018 at 7:31 pm

Question:: What if my child was born in the UK, but im a US citizen going through a separation/divorce with my husband who is from the UAE; how does the custody thing work then?

Joan 01/05/2018 at 9:01 am

After nearly 3 years of a dreadful relationship my sister has finally been in a position to leave a father of her now 3 year old child. They have been engaged, but never married as things quickly turned very ugly. He has been abusive with his language, impulsive and sometimes even aggressive (but never hit her, luckily). All his family is in favour of my sister- his parents know she is a good mum, and even his mum doesn't want to see him and prefers to stay with us when she comes to visit granddaughter. After she left him we have moved in together and he has been disturbing us ever since. Just as an example at the start saying that he will kill me if he sees me around, and another time when his father was visiting he forbid him to see my sister and came under our window shouting and throwing stones. Unfortunately I do not have a record of this situation. After just two months split, we found out he is moving in with a girl from his work, which has a daughter as well. The red alert for the welfare of my niece. It seems he is completely emotionally unstable and does not understand that a child need stabilisation, not a new family straight away without certainty that he will even stay with this girl?! What is more, he moved one hour away from us by train as the other child goes to school there and even though it was agreed earlier that my niece will be going to a school around the corner (with outstanding public records) he now threatens he will call a lawyer to force my sister to move the poor child to a school closer to him. For us its all absolutely unbelievable and I am just thinking what are his rights in here? He has agreed when they split she will go to school here as he insisted he will buy a flat nearby, and then suddenly just came up with all this. I must point my sister suggested mediation many times but he refused to attend, and just lately when our father was here he finally gave us his current new address (after 4 months). We are constantly abused by him, he is texting the worst possible things to my sister including death wishes. There is many more things I can accused him off, yet he still thinks he is in the position and threatens my sister to take her to court for full custody. Also, since they split my sister allows him to see the child whenever he wants, literally, at the start even standing at our doors in the early morning weekdays to say hello to her. (the poor child was crying not knowing what is happening) but he didn't care he is making it worse. We don't know what to do anymore, as all his actions are immature and dictated by his own needs and very unstable relationship with this new woman. Please, advise what can be done as I am afraid for my sister and my niece well being, as well as my own at this point. He is destroying everyones life.

ann1 06/04/2018 at 1:37 pm

Hello, I split with my children's father just over two years ago and moved them and myself out of the home that we shared. The children have had consist contact with their father since then. They stay residentially with him every other weekend and go to him for a few hours after he finishes work two nights a week. We also split all school holidays. My ex never financially contributed for the first 18 months after our split and then after many requests from myself said that he would pay me £100 a month. He then sporadically made these payments and has subsequently stopped paying for the last 3 months. I have recently contacted the CSA to ask for them to assist with ensuring that I receive a fair and consistent contributions towards the up bringing of our children. Since my ex has received the letter from the CSA he has called me and told me that he will be taking me to court for 50% custody of the children so that he does not have to pay child maintenance. He has also contacted a solicitor and informed them that he was having 2 residential nights one week and 5 another week on a two week rolling basis. I have received a letter from the solicitor saying that I must reinstate this immediately. My question is can he do this? I feel that changing the agreement that we currently have in place after 2 years just to suit my ex's financial need's is unfair and would be confusing and unsettling for my children.

AT 28/03/2018 at 11:52 am

My husband and I have been separated for 2.5 years. He is Irish and his family lives in Ireland. The children live with me but have regular contact and stay over most weekends. Initially I thought that having joint responsibility would be best for the children but I am worried about him taking the children on breaks away. I would like to know if I need to apply for full custody if I do not want him to take our children to Ireland. My reasoning is that, I do not believe that he is able to care for them safely, as every time the kids come back they are unwell, and the last trip my daughter broke her arm falling off a trampoline.

Please advise as this topic will soon need to be discussed as the holidays are approaching.

ChildSupportLaws Editor 09/03/2018 at 11:55 am

You don't have any specific rights in this situation. Only what you can negotiate with your ex. If you canot negotiate with your ex mutually, then you would have to suggest mediation again.

DAD 08/03/2018 at 8:24 pm

My ex and I have agrreed on a mediation that we will share parental responsibility. Initally we agreed that I can communicate with the kids thru email rather than by phone until they are emotionally ready. Another condition is for me to be able to visit the kids once a month. This is happening for over a year now and I think the kids are more settled now more than before however she doesnt want to acknowledge this She is now going on a holiday with one of my kids leaving behind my 16 years old in the custody of friends. I told her that as a father I am entitled to see my child more so at least have his mobile number whilst she'saway. She disagreed and she say my kid will be just fine with his friends sleeping over and looking after him. What is my rights in this situation?

ChildSupportLaws Editor 27/02/2018 at 1:59 pm

You can claim child maintenance from your ex, if your ex is earning and paying tax through HMRC. By law, every non-resident parent is financially responsible for paying towards the day-to-day upkeep of their child. There are no legal rules or laws regarding access. If, as parents you cannot agree between you, then you should suggest mediation as a way of resolving any issues you may have. If mediation is refused, or unsuccessful, then either you or your ex would have to apply to court. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the child in question. The court will always put the child’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order. However, once/if a contact order is awarded, then you would both have to stick to the order. Therefore, it is always best to try to resolve these issues out of court, than to let a court decide on yours and your child's behalf.

Kats 26/02/2018 at 10:48 am

I have recently separated from the father of my child (who is nearly 2). We were not married but he is named on the birth certificate. Since we split, he has given no financial support, and little support in terms of access to our son. I have recently stopped all access as he kept leaving our son with his parents when it was his time to have him, and refused to agree access dates in a timely manner - only confirming dates he was 'giving back' to me as too busy to have our son. I have said that until he can put our son first I am not prepared to give him access, as our son needs regular visitation rather than being picked up and put down like a toy when Daddy feels like it. I am solely financially responsible for our son, for his childcare whilst I work, to the point that when my ex did have access I was expected to provide everything my son needed for their time together down to the last baby wipe.
Legally, where do I stand refusing him visitation rights until he proves my son is his first priority?

ChildSupportLaws Editor 22/02/2018 at 10:48 am

Much depends upon whether you are on the birth certificate as the father of your child. If you are, then , which should help you further. However, we cannot comment on your 'visa difficulties' and how this impacts on you. You would have to seek legal advice.

Roy 21/02/2018 at 8:47 am

Hi, I got married with english girl and we had a baby boy, one day i came back to my house and i didn't find them at home, i found out that she took the baby and left the country to her homeland without my permission since the baby was 2 and half month, now the baby is nearly 10 months an I never saw him and not able to visit the country due to visa difficulties, could you advise pls.

ChildSupportLaws Editor 15/02/2018 at 2:38 pm

Yes, the 'paying parent' can be taken to court where their accounts and taxable earnings would be looked at in more depth. However, it is wise to seek legal advice to see whether you have a case to answer. Taking the matter to court will cost and you would have to have concrete proof your ex is/was earning more than he declared to CSA. If you cannot afford to pay for legal advice, the Citizens Advice Bureau may be able to help.

Rose 13/02/2018 at 8:21 pm

Hi I would like some advice my ex partner has hidden assets and dividends from me which he never disclosed until the Csa closed the case. He has been showing off about his achievements and has left me and my sons on near poverty line for years. My question is am I able to ask the cms to look into his h m revenue accounts, and will they action any money he should of paid during the past 10 years. He is looking to retire and has informed me he will not pay a penny. I’m desperate as I have received no payment s since the Csa case was closed 12 months ago. He is self employed with two businesses although some of the money he received was cash in hand.

Desperate mum 10/12/2017 at 1:49 pm

My son is 8 & 1/2 years old

I have recently admitted to mental health hospital for 5 months after reported to police of drug dealers activities and I was being accused of too anxious to call the police. I was discharged from hospital two weeks ago. During last 5 months in hospital my ex husband didn’t bring my son to see meat all in hospital in 5 months.

My ex husband have move my son to Cornwall from my home colchester to live with his mother and father last 5 months and he is now refusing to move my son back home to me to live with me in Colchester.

He also refused to let my son stay more than 3.5 days with overnight staying at my home for school half term Christmas holidays while school have 14 days holidays. Ie. I should have my son for 7 days share with my ex husband. Did my ex have a say to not let me see my son like that?

He now also say he is arranging child arrangement court order for my son regarding the share custody of my son.

Child arrangement court order 2 years ago when I first separated from my ex husband was I have my son Monday to friday morning and my ex husband have my son saturday Sunday and Friday night . There is a shared Xmas court order two years ago.

Can you please advise me regarding what I can entitle to my son for Christmas holidays?
in this circumstances just discharged from mental health hospital with bipola disorder diagnosis.

Also do I need a lawyer to represent me in court regarding child arrangement order? Because I have been in mental health hospital for 5 months previously. Just in case my ex husband try to get full custody of my son?

How can I get the judge to give me a fair court order ie. equally shared custody for my son’s best interests?

Will I loss my son because I have admitted in mental health hospital for 5 months?

I am now being discharged from hospital and my home treatment has discharged me and care coordinator also said I am doing very well to my ex husband but he ignored

Billybear 22/10/2017 at 1:53 am

Wrote on here sometime ago about CSA. My case has gone over to CMS now where a Direct Payment has been agreed. However CSA upon closing my case hit me with an arrears bill of £12,000. This is what happened (I was paying through a DEO) Jan-Mar 2009 CSA take 3 payments from my wage. However about the same time a debt I had after splitting from my ex was supposed to come to my wage also for £20 a month.

April onwards in 2009 I noticed £21 coming off my wage under (court order) assumed it had all gone through and somewhere I've not noticed CSA on my wage and got it in my head it was already coming off before I got paid. So Forgetting the last 3 payments I made to CSA Jan-Mar 2009 I carried on as normal

Skipping to 2017. I get a letter from CSA to say it was changing to CMS and as above sort it all with CMS until I got the final letter from CSA with a huge bill.

Calling work I found out that the £21 a month was CSA and this debt I was in they didn't know about. calling the local courts the debt was returned as unable to recover and eventually wiped.

Calling CSA they made a huge screw up. they couldn't explain why it went down to £21 a month. They also said that the yearly statements and other letters they send out has never happened and my ex as not recieved any letters either over the course of 8 years nobody has picked up on this and she couldn't give me an explanation at all. She said she hasn't seen anything like it before. but then followed it up with well you'll have to pay back the arrears either way so it doesn't matter just pay back as much as you can afford each month to try and get it down. She also said she would leave a note on the system for the likes of CMS to see it.

Will I have a case to ask that these arrears be cleared because they have made a HUGE mistake and is it something that could be challenged because they have put me in financial hardship where as if I had been paying the right amount these arrears would never have accumulated?

If I do have to pay have I been given the right advice that I can pay what I can afford each month till it's eventually cleared?

thanks

ChildSupportLaws Editor 20/10/2017 at 12:21 pm

I think your partner needs to find out why his son does not wish to see him before he goes to the expense of taking the matter to court. Mediation would be the first course of action. Plus, court would only allow your partner to apply once mediation has been considered and/or attempted. If your partner's ex refuses to attend mediation, then court would be his next option. As in all cases, the court’s main concern is the welfare of the child in question. The court will always put the child’s best interests first and this main issue will determine the outcome of any application for an order. As the son is 13, his preferences/opinions will be taken into consideration when making a decision. However, this does not mean the court will uphold them, the court will always decide what 'it' thinks is in the child's best interests.

Rose77 19/10/2017 at 7:11 pm

My partner has a 13 year old son who he is desperate to see. His mother and he divorced 10 years ago and over the years contact has become less and less and we now never see her. There was never a court order in place as initially contact was regular. My partner has always made attempts to see him and has made regular maintenance payments but his son's mother now maintains that his son does not want to see him at all. Does he have any legal rights to see him if this is true and against his son's wishes?

monie 11/10/2017 at 1:27 pm

I hope you can help. I have a court order since 2014, prohibiting my ex-husband from making contact with the children until they are 16. I am not aware of his whereabouts. since 2014
Can I get a court order to grant me sole custody so I don't need his permission for things such as holidays or location move to another area or country?

ChildSupportLaws Editor 26/09/2017 at 10:10 am

The one plus is that your daughter is now age-13 and can communicate. Therefore, I think in this instance the situation needs to be played by ear, so to speak. Your daughter has you as a back-up family if she needs, so this will help. Talking to your ex, your ex's partner and your daughter is your best option, as well as trying to be supportive. If you have parental responsibility, you have equal rights to care for your child, so offering your home as a bolt-hole is an answer. But trying to work it around her schooling may be something you would have to discuss. It's a situation that doesn't need courts, it may need mediation (if you and your ex cannot agree). Asking your daughter directly what she wishes you to do to help, will help. However, if she is happy at her school and with her friends then being an on-call supportive dad is your best course of action unless the situation becomes unsustainable. In which case you may have to step in and take control.

nigeb 25/09/2017 at 4:07 am

My daughter is 13 and is living with her new partner. they have recently got married. We have a private agreement in place and I pay support to my ex for my daughter every month. My daughters relationship with her mum is not always great , but I have put that down to teenage years. My ex has been off work for several months and is suffering from some sort of depression as she has been told she will have to leave her job due to a medical condition. My daughter tells me about bust ups and her mum walking out on them. This has happened several times and I know It affects my daughter. I try to be positive with her, but I know my ex is very self centred. this has come to a head when my daughter rang me and said her mum had walked out and said she no longer wanted to be part of the family. My daughter past her mum in the street and she ignored her when she spoke to her. Her new partner ended up contacting the Police and registering her as missing- the Police where even searching for her with a helicopter. All of this has affected my daughter. her mum has come home , but is said to be in a "fragile state" I am very concerned for my daughter living in this environment. Although her new partner is very level headed and runs a successful business , the current situation does not make for a good environment for my daughter. I have just moved in with my new partner who is supportive and has a good relationship with my daughter and says she is happy for my daughter to move in - this is not something that would be excepted by my ex and due to her current state of fragility not something I can speak to her about. the other concern is upheaval for my daughter from her school . She had to change school and leave her friends behind when we split and I don't want to do this to her again, as she is happy at her school and is doing well.

ChildSupportLaws Editor 11/09/2017 at 4:40 pm

You don't say 'why' REMO says the order is not enforceable, as the USA is on the list of REMO countries. This makes it difficult to further advise.

ma davies 09/09/2017 at 9:42 pm

I moved with my son (15 ) to the USA in July 2016 at which time the CSA stopped collecting maintenance payments from my ex husband. He would not agree to a private arrangement so I have been without any financial help since that time. I was told by the CSA that I could enforce their decision through REMO by contacting my local child support agency in America. I did this when we arrived but to date have hit a brick wall. I am now being told that the CSA maintenance order is not enforceable via REMO and that I need a court order. I cannot obtain an order in the UK as I am domicile in the USA and the local agency do not think I am able to get an order locally. Feel totally let down by the system. Why were the CSA put in place if the orders are not enforceable. Can you help???

AJ 26/07/2017 at 11:50 am

I have been marriage to my husband for 20 years we have one child a daughter aged 16 years. My husband left us when our daughter was just 5 years until she was 10 years . He then returned and begged we tried again at our marriage in Australia where he had been working from the last year- we are both from the UK.We sold up and moved to Sydney. Four years later he walked out on us again. At this time my mother was dying and my father had a heart attack - back in the UK .My daughter and myself returned to the UK alone. No job, no home, no support. My husband had left us. So we set up a new life. We both do not wish to have my husband in our lives now. I recently received via email divorce paper work from my husband in Sydney. Do I need to provide any address/ school details regarding our daughter/ myself. He will only cause us upset. As we wish to get on with our lives without him. I am willing to divorce him, but do not wish him to be part of our new lives nor my daughters. Now my daughter is over 16 years can we have a say in this? How do we stand.? Any thoughts please?

ChildSupportLaws Editor 03/02/2017 at 11:33 am

Any child arrangements should be negotiated between the both of you. The time when issues become complicated is where neither of you can agree. There is no right or wrong answers to organising access, it should revolve around what you both think is in the best interests of your children. Yes, you can stop your ex from seeing the children and taking them home. However, he would be either have to suggest mediation in order to try and resolve the issues between you, and then if you refuse mediation, or cannot agree a solution via mediation, the your ex would be able to take the matter to court. Once the court decides, there is no negotiation and both parents would have to stick to the order. Therefore, yes you can make your stand against your ex. However, is it best to be able to try to find an amicable solution rather than have it possibly taken to court.

BaBa 02/02/2017 at 1:15 pm

Until recently I've had a relatively good relationship with my ex and he's paid maintenance etc without too many problems and I've involved him as much as I can in the upbringing of our two children. When we separated, he chose to move to 150 miles away from the children, meaning weekly visits impossible and he can only see them everyother weekend for 1 night at a time, due to his work. He insists on taking the kids to his home 150 miles away, despite them hating the 2 hour trip and being taken away from their home environment, friends, and ultimately me.
My first question is, if the kids don't want to go (aged 7 & 9) can I say that they're not going?
My second question is, can he make me take the kids to him on the 2 nights a month he has them, or pay him petrol money in order for him to do the trip, as he is now insisting on this?
For the record, we are now divorced, and he chose to move away and stay away - even finding a new job in this time period in the new location rather than moving back to be in the same town as his children.
Any advice much appreciated as I hate to see the kids so unhappy.

ChildSupportLaws Editor 24/03/2015 at 12:23 pm

@LouLou - I have included a leaflet about how child maintenenance is worked out here. You will find that your own child will be taken into consideration once born, with regards to what he pays. I hope this helps.

LouLou 20/03/2015 at 11:20 pm

Hi,

I have been married for 3 years and my husband has 2 children with 2 different women. Their relationships are mostly amicable and we have the children almost every other weekend, never at christmas or for their birthdays. He has been paying each of them £200 a month which is £400 out of his salary.
We are now expecting our own child and I think he needs to reduce what he is paying the others as when I look at the finances, he is contributing only £30 a month to this child's welfare.
Am I being unreasonable to ask him to do this?

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